This Blog Is Moving

Okay, so this blogs finished. I know, I know, it has lasted less time than a Chelsea manager but here's why.

I'm really getting into this blogging thing now and basically I have decided that this one isn't very good. Naff title (was meant for a slightly different kind of blog) and I want to change the format and layout etc...

So, rest assured all you lovely people who have been reading me since last week, a new blog will appear shortly!!

Thanks and goodbye

Depression Diary - Tuesday 18th December

Well, today seems like a good day to start my diary. For the first time in a couple of weeks I am feeling seriously anxious. It started last night, around 5 'o'clock and I don't really know why. I never really know why. This evening I am meeting an old friend for a catch up who I haven't seen for more than 5 years (and so before I was 'officially' depressed. So maybe that's it. Maybe I'm worried that seeing him will bring back memories of how I felt then, as I was heading into the dark tunnel from which I have yet to emerge.

If I think about it realistically, it shouldn't worry me. I remember him as a really nice guy and I am sure he still is. He won't make me feel uncomfortable or make me feel unworthy or anything like that. So, why do I feel so shit?

Maybe it is because I am trying to work on my plans to write a book about Crawley Town. I need to contact people to get information and doing things like this scares the crap out of me.

I've emailed one guy at the club to ask for help and have had no reply. Now either he hasn't seen my email for some reason or he has just not replied to it because he doesn't want to.
Negative Me would automatically assume the latter. Why would he want to talk to me? I haven't supported the club my whole life, I haven't written a book before. I'm probably just wasting his time.

Maybe not. Maybe he just hasn't seen the email. Maybe he has more important things to worry about at the moment. I don't know. And I guess that is one of the problems with having depression. If I don't know the answers to the questions I ask myself, I provide my own answers. But they are never positive.

I wish I could react normally to situations and not fear everything. I need to work on this. Today is a reminder that things will not be resolved easily or without ups and downs.

Gotta keep on fighting...

Moving Forwards...

I have written a bit about depression, how it has affected me and the things I need to do to get better. But what I really, really want to do is make you understand what it is like to suffer from depression on a day-to-day basis.

On Friday 23^rd November I went to my part-time job at ASDAs (where I had started working just three weeks previously having left my job at Total). I had been off the week before as I was sick. The previous few days had been terrifying as I had all of these negative thoughts building up inside my head again, I began to feel tired and my heart kept racing. I didn’t want to not go to work, I needed to be able to function, I berated myself for feeling this way and told myself to get on with it. I told myself it would pass soon. So, I went to work and I could hardly talk. Everything seemed to be happening out of focus and I felt detached from reality. It was like I was watching a film and all of my colleagues and the customers were just characters. Characters I couldn’t identify with.

Four hours in and I knew I was going to cry. For no reason. My legs began to feel weak and I was so hot you’d have thought it was a scorching hot July afternoon. I told the manager I didn’t feel well and got the hell out of there. I ran to my car, got in and cried. And cried, and cried. I went home, and told my mum I wasn’t feeling good. I cried again. My dad came home from work and asked me what was wrong. I cried again. I felt so low and hopeless. I knew I needed to do something. I could no longer rely on the medication I was taking as a sole treatment. I needed to talk to someone, to concentrate on getting better and get perspective. So, I quit work, encouraged by my wonderful parents and booked an appointment with a CBT therapist (I’ll explain later). Three weeks on and I feel a lot better, still far from great but things are moving forward.

My therapist suggested to me at our first meeting that the first strategy would be targeting my ‘behaviour’. This means that by doing things, being active, you can bring yourself out of depression. If you are busy doing something and concentrating on that then you should have less time to ruminate (think about everything).

So I have made a point of making myself busy and trying to rebuild a social life. I went to the pub on 1 December with some friends from the Redhill and Reigate Social Group and had a good time. I have started playing snooker more regularly, either with my brother Steve or my best friend Paul. If either of them get fed up of me beating them I just go on my own!

I have been helping my mum with housework and chores, which is more satisfying than sitting in front of the telly and watching yet another episode of Friends (I’ve seen them all hundreds of times, seriously).

I am also trying to write, as that it is what I really want to do. And of course, I have set up this blog.

I have joined a writing group as well and basically I need to maintain this lifestyle, enjoy doing these things and spend less time wondering where everything went wrong. I cannot do anything about what has gone before. I can do something about my future, I am fed up of feeling sorry for myself and am going to get my life back and rediscover the old Jason, the bugger’s out there somewhere!

In order to keep a record of what I am doing and how I am feeling, I am going to document my life here on the blog as a daily diary. Every so often I will write a more generic post about depression like I have been doing.

Enjoy…

 

Exercise your demons

In August 2007 I went to the doctor as I was feeling lethargic, tired and generally down. He asked me if I exercise regularly and whether I ate a balanced diet. When I replied that I did neither, he rather curtly said: 'Well, no wonder you feel tired.'
That was it, appointment over. I had kind of hoped for a different answer. I know now that he was right, but maybe he should have put it differently!!
Knowing that I needed to get fit, I had gained 3-4 stone since leaving school in 2003, I tried a variety of things.

I tried swimming, but I wasn't very good at that. I tried going for runs but I cannot think of anything more boring than that, plus I found it quite painful. I also joined the gym, like most of us do, only to hardly ever attend. Again, I found boredom a determining factor in my non-attendance.
Eventually, in November 2009, I decided to buy a cheap mountain bike and give that a go. I started cycling small loops of my home - 4-5 miles - and then progressed to cycling to work ( a 14 mile round trip). All of a sudden I had found something which I enjoyed, but I still struggled to get into a regular routine.

So when, in April this year, my employers Total Gas and Power announced that they were looking for participants to cycle from Redhill to Paris in 3 days, I saw a perfect opportunity to get serious about getting fit. I bought a road bike from Halfords and joined my local cycling club, Crawley Wheelers and gradually I started cycling longer and longer distances progressing from 20 to 30 to 40 to 60 miles in just a few months.
By the time of the ride in September I had lost two stone in weight and managed to complete the ride. It was a fantastic experience and one I will always remember. Most importantly, it did give me a focus and I trained almost every weekend. Since I came back from Paris I have only been out on my bike once. I know that needs to change, but I need some motivation.

Maybe I need a new challenge for 2013, so if anyone has any ideas let me know....

 

(I managed to raise £682.50. Yesterday I got a certificate from Mind .)

 

 

Come say hi!

Good morning to whoever is reading this...

I have been messing about with the layout of this blog over the last few days, but going to leave as it is now - promise!

I can see that 65 people have viewed my blog since its' inception last week but no-one has left a comment. If you like, come and say hello, it would be nice to hear from you.

If you want to know anything (regarding my depression, i am not the font of all knowledge!) feel free to ask.

Additionally, if anyone out there is suffering from depression or knows someone who is then you are more than welcome to e-mail me at jasecw@hotmail.co.uk.

I don't have all the answers but I can give you my honest opinion and maybe point you in the right direction:

You are not alone.

Thanks,
J x

But you look OK...

There are a number of reasons as to why depression is hard for others to spot. The first is that the symptoms aren't immediately obvious.

Here are some of the symptoms I have experienced during my illness:

• sickness and diarohhea
• aches and pains
• lack of energy
• stomach cramps
• headaches
• nausea

You wouldn't think 'ah, yes he must be depressed' if I complained to you of any of the above. And neither would a doctor, at first.
All of the above are experienced by most people at some point and can often be related to a whole number of relativley minor and/or short term medical conditions such as flu, stomach viruses, chronic fatigue syndrome, appendicitis etc...

In my experience I have found these physical symptoms to be quite dispiriting. You know that you don't feel well and you try to let it pass, but it doesn't. The symptoms remain and you start to think, ; well, is this my depression rearing it's ugly head again or not?'. An inner turmoil begins inside my head which only makes the situation worse. You feel as if you don't want to complain about what might be nothing, you worry (that W word again) that you are a hypochrondiac or something.

Indeed, each time I have experienced one of the above symptoms I have not put it down to my mental state immediately. I try to convicne myself that it is a common ailment and that it will soon pass on by. I have found that a few days after the physical symptoms make themselves known, my heart starts to race and thoughts about my failure in life increase to the point where I realise that I need further treatment for my depression.

Another reason as to why depression is hard to spot is the ability of the sufferer to hide their true feelings. I can most of the time appear as a relatively happy, if mildly stressed, individual. I often laugh and joke with my family, friends and colleagues but at the same time as I am smiling on the outside, the reality can be starkly different. Inside I can be going through hell, wondering why I feel this way and what has happened in my life to bring me to this point.

In June 2012 I decided to open up about my depression and told my employers and colleagues. A common reaction was ' I had no idea...'

Those of who suffer from depression try to deny it to ourselves too often, and as a result we try harder to maintain a positive, happy image to those around us. Whether it is because we are scared of feeling that way, of letting others know we feel that way or having to confront the reasons we feel that way I am not sure. It is probably a bit of everything.

If you are worried about someone suffering from depression, in my experience (and of course, I am not a doctor) I would look out for signs of the person withdrawing socially - not going out as much, not enjoying activities they used to etc... It is not about how they look or even act but about what they do, or more importantly, don't do.

Questions, bloody questions...

The inside of my head is, more often than not, like a tap that has been turned on full blast and I can't turn the bloody thing off. All of these thoughts came rushing into my head, a constant bombardment until the sink is overflowing and the mess is too much to even contemplate being able to clean it up.

90% of my waking hours are spent worrying. Worrying about what, you might ask. Everything. You name it, I worry about it.

From what will happen if I don't eat a proper breakfast to how I am going to make something of my life. Everyone worries at some point, it is normal. Job interviews, medical tests, exams. These are just a few of the things that can cause anxiety in a person. Most of the time though it is just a mild anxiety. It keeps them on their toes, gives them a bit of an edge and encourages them to perform better. That is one end of the scale. The other end is extreme worrying, all of the time. My problems undoubtedly began when I struggled to pass my driving test. Having taken my first lesson in October 2002 it would be nearly four years, and four driving instructors and 11 driving tests later, when I finally passed. During this period I was having to make the transition from boy to man and I began to question myself. Why did I keep failing? Why did people keep making fun of me? What was wrong with me? Everyone else I knew managed to pass without too much problem, if not first time, then on the second go. Third at worst. Not me. For some reason I couldn't do it. Every time my test came round doubts flooded my mind and I told myself I wasn't good enough. I was a failure and that would be confirmed once the test was over. I became so anxious and nervous that I performed badly just in order to get the test over. Once the test was finished, I felt relief. I was out of an uncomfortbale situation. Then, the disappointment kicked in. Soon, disappointment morphed into anger. Why had I failed? Had I deliberately driven badly so that the test would be over quicker? How would I ever get through this?

Of course, I eventually did pass my driving test. But the damage had been done. I now had an automatic reaction in times of struggle, and that was to kick myself and tell myself I wasn't good enough.

I have been doing it ever since.

Everytime I meet a new person, get a new job or join a club I question myself. What do people think of me? Will they like me? What happens if they don't?

The answers aren't nice. They will hate me, they will think I am strange and I will be left lonely and sad. Trouble is, I'm already lonely and sad and the person giving the answers is me, no-one else.

How can I expect anyone to like me when I don't even like myself?

That is the one question I really can't seem to answer.

An Introduction...

I'll start with two facts about myself.

1. I have always wanted to be a writer.
2. I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety for over 5 years.

Many people say that writing is cathartic and that putting your thoughts down on paper can help you overcome your demons. So, I have finally decided to do it. I have nothing to lose. This is what it is like to live with depression. No holds barred.

While I obviously hope that this blog plays a part in me becoming better and learning to manage this illness it is also my hope that others will seek inspiration and encouragement from my words and feel able to open up about their own problems and seek help if they need it.

Mental health is still larely misunderstood but people are becoming more knowlegable all the time.

I have always been weary of telling people about my illness. I fear that they will judge me and think that I'm some kind of suicidal maniac. I worry about how it will affect my employment prospects, my chances of finding love and of being accepted by society.

I was first diagnosed with depression in late 2007 after a period off work. I felt tired, lethargic and generally a bit down in the dumps. I thought I had a virus. I didn't. Medication was prescribed and eventually I returned to the work environment and was able to function on a day-to-day basis. But I still didn't feel right, I wasn't happy. My problems began when I struggled to pass my driving test. Haivng taken my first lesson in October 2002 it would be four years, four driving instructors, countless lessons and 11 tests before I finally heard those magic words 'you've passed' in June 2006. The sense of failure remained with me though and followed me to Somerset that summer where I spent two months working on a local newspaper before deciding it wasn't for me. Before long I was stuck in a boring temp job unsure of where my future lay. I felt as if I had made a mess of everything. Worse still, I had begun to withdraw from life. My friends, not knowing what was going on inside my head, lost patience and gradually we drifted apart.

Since then I have moved from temp job to temp job, not staying anywhere long enough to make lasting friendships. I have become shy and socially awkward. 

I don't want to be this way anymore. Constantly worrying all of the time about my career, friends, social life, women, money etc... You name it, I worry about it.

I have decided to take some time out from work now to really fight this illness. I am undegoing CBT (Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy) and hopefully this will enable me to get back on with my life.

I hope you find this blog informative and interesting and maybe it will help you understand me a little bit more.

Thanks,

Jason Walker