An Introduction...

I'll start with two facts about myself.

1. I have always wanted to be a writer.
2. I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety for over 5 years.

Many people say that writing is cathartic and that putting your thoughts down on paper can help you overcome your demons. So, I have finally decided to do it. I have nothing to lose. This is what it is like to live with depression. No holds barred.

While I obviously hope that this blog plays a part in me becoming better and learning to manage this illness it is also my hope that others will seek inspiration and encouragement from my words and feel able to open up about their own problems and seek help if they need it.

Mental health is still larely misunderstood but people are becoming more knowlegable all the time.

I have always been weary of telling people about my illness. I fear that they will judge me and think that I'm some kind of suicidal maniac. I worry about how it will affect my employment prospects, my chances of finding love and of being accepted by society.

I was first diagnosed with depression in late 2007 after a period off work. I felt tired, lethargic and generally a bit down in the dumps. I thought I had a virus. I didn't. Medication was prescribed and eventually I returned to the work environment and was able to function on a day-to-day basis. But I still didn't feel right, I wasn't happy. My problems began when I struggled to pass my driving test. Haivng taken my first lesson in October 2002 it would be four years, four driving instructors, countless lessons and 11 tests before I finally heard those magic words 'you've passed' in June 2006. The sense of failure remained with me though and followed me to Somerset that summer where I spent two months working on a local newspaper before deciding it wasn't for me. Before long I was stuck in a boring temp job unsure of where my future lay. I felt as if I had made a mess of everything. Worse still, I had begun to withdraw from life. My friends, not knowing what was going on inside my head, lost patience and gradually we drifted apart.

Since then I have moved from temp job to temp job, not staying anywhere long enough to make lasting friendships. I have become shy and socially awkward. 

I don't want to be this way anymore. Constantly worrying all of the time about my career, friends, social life, women, money etc... You name it, I worry about it.

I have decided to take some time out from work now to really fight this illness. I am undegoing CBT (Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy) and hopefully this will enable me to get back on with my life.

I hope you find this blog informative and interesting and maybe it will help you understand me a little bit more.

Thanks,

Jason Walker