Questions, bloody questions...

The inside of my head is, more often than not, like a tap that has been turned on full blast and I can't turn the bloody thing off. All of these thoughts came rushing into my head, a constant bombardment until the sink is overflowing and the mess is too much to even contemplate being able to clean it up.

90% of my waking hours are spent worrying. Worrying about what, you might ask. Everything. You name it, I worry about it.

From what will happen if I don't eat a proper breakfast to how I am going to make something of my life. Everyone worries at some point, it is normal. Job interviews, medical tests, exams. These are just a few of the things that can cause anxiety in a person. Most of the time though it is just a mild anxiety. It keeps them on their toes, gives them a bit of an edge and encourages them to perform better. That is one end of the scale. The other end is extreme worrying, all of the time. My problems undoubtedly began when I struggled to pass my driving test. Having taken my first lesson in October 2002 it would be nearly four years, and four driving instructors and 11 driving tests later, when I finally passed. During this period I was having to make the transition from boy to man and I began to question myself. Why did I keep failing? Why did people keep making fun of me? What was wrong with me? Everyone else I knew managed to pass without too much problem, if not first time, then on the second go. Third at worst. Not me. For some reason I couldn't do it. Every time my test came round doubts flooded my mind and I told myself I wasn't good enough. I was a failure and that would be confirmed once the test was over. I became so anxious and nervous that I performed badly just in order to get the test over. Once the test was finished, I felt relief. I was out of an uncomfortbale situation. Then, the disappointment kicked in. Soon, disappointment morphed into anger. Why had I failed? Had I deliberately driven badly so that the test would be over quicker? How would I ever get through this?

Of course, I eventually did pass my driving test. But the damage had been done. I now had an automatic reaction in times of struggle, and that was to kick myself and tell myself I wasn't good enough.

I have been doing it ever since.

Everytime I meet a new person, get a new job or join a club I question myself. What do people think of me? Will they like me? What happens if they don't?

The answers aren't nice. They will hate me, they will think I am strange and I will be left lonely and sad. Trouble is, I'm already lonely and sad and the person giving the answers is me, no-one else.

How can I expect anyone to like me when I don't even like myself?

That is the one question I really can't seem to answer.