Well, today seems like a good day to start my diary. For the first time in a couple of weeks I am feeling seriously anxious. It started last night, around 5 'o'clock and I don't really know why. I never really know why. This evening I am meeting an old friend for a catch up who I haven't seen for more than 5 years (and so before I was 'officially' depressed. So maybe that's it. Maybe I'm worried that seeing him will bring back memories of how I felt then, as I was heading into the dark tunnel from which I have yet to emerge.
If I think about it realistically, it shouldn't worry me. I remember him as a really nice guy and I am sure he still is. He won't make me feel uncomfortable or make me feel unworthy or anything like that. So, why do I feel so shit?
Maybe it is because I am trying to work on my plans to write a book about Crawley Town. I need to contact people to get information and doing things like this scares the crap out of me.
I've emailed one guy at the club to ask for help and have had no reply. Now either he hasn't seen my email for some reason or he has just not replied to it because he doesn't want to.
Negative Me would automatically assume the latter. Why would he want to talk to me? I haven't supported the club my whole life, I haven't written a book before. I'm probably just wasting his time.
Maybe not. Maybe he just hasn't seen the email. Maybe he has more important things to worry about at the moment. I don't know. And I guess that is one of the problems with having depression. If I don't know the answers to the questions I ask myself, I provide my own answers. But they are never positive.
I wish I could react normally to situations and not fear everything. I need to work on this. Today is a reminder that things will not be resolved easily or without ups and downs.
Gotta keep on fighting...
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