I have written a bit about depression, how it has affected me and the things I need to do to get better. But what I really, really want to do is make you understand what it is like to suffer from depression on a day-to-day basis.
On Friday 23rd
November I went to my part-time job at ASDAs (where I had started working just
three weeks previously having left my job at Total). I had been off the week
before as I was sick. The previous few days had been terrifying as I had all of
these negative thoughts building up inside my head again, I began to feel tired
and my heart kept racing. I didn’t want to not go to work, I needed to be able
to function, I berated myself for feeling this way and told myself to get on
with it. I told myself it would pass soon. So, I went to work and I could
hardly talk. Everything seemed to be happening out of focus and I felt detached
from reality. It was like I was watching a film and all of my colleagues and
the customers were just characters. Characters I couldn’t identify with.
Four hours in
and I knew I was going to cry. For no reason. My legs began to feel weak and I
was so hot you’d have thought it was a scorching hot July afternoon. I told the
manager I didn’t feel well and got the hell out of there. I ran to my car, got
in and cried. And cried, and cried. I went home, and told my mum I wasn’t
feeling good. I cried again. My dad came home from work and asked me what was
wrong. I cried again. I felt so low and hopeless. I knew I needed to do
something. I could no longer rely on the medication I was taking as a sole
treatment. I needed to talk to someone, to concentrate on getting better and
get perspective. So, I quit work, encouraged by my wonderful parents and booked
an appointment with a CBT therapist (I’ll explain later). Three weeks on and I
feel a lot better, still far from great but things are moving forward.
My therapist
suggested to me at our first meeting that the first strategy would be targeting
my ‘behaviour’. This means that by doing things, being active, you can bring
yourself out of depression. If you are busy doing something and concentrating
on that then you should have less time to ruminate (think about everything).
So I have made a
point of making myself busy and trying to rebuild a social life. I went to the
pub on 1 December with some friends from the Redhill and Reigate Social Group
and had a good time. I have started playing snooker more regularly, either with
my brother Steve or my best friend Paul. If either of them get fed up of me beating
them I just go on my own!
I have been
helping my mum with housework and chores, which is more satisfying than sitting
in front of the telly and watching yet another episode of Friends (I’ve seen
them all hundreds of times, seriously).
I am also trying
to write, as that it is what I really want to do. And of course, I have set up
this blog.
I have joined a
writing group as well and basically I need to maintain this lifestyle, enjoy
doing these things and spend less time wondering where everything went wrong. I
cannot do anything about what has gone before. I can do something about my
future, I am fed up of feeling sorry for myself and am going to get my life
back and rediscover the old Jason, the bugger’s out there somewhere!
In order to keep
a record of what I am doing and how I am feeling, I am going to document my
life here on the blog as a daily diary. Every so often I will write a more
generic post about depression like I have been doing.
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